What Is The Hot New Trend ‘Choreplay’ And What Does Sex Have To Do With It?

It may ensure you get what you want in the bedroom — and the rest of the house.

illustration of wife sitting on top of husband while he cleans the floor
Hanna Barczyk

There’s a new trend in the world of dating and relationships, Girlfriends, and it’s taking over social media with the hashtag “choreplay” — the act of exchanging chores for sex.

A quick search on TikTok or Instagram will have you sifting through clips of husbands cleaning out refrigerators or doing piles of laundry, filled with excitement for the reward their wives are dishing out: sex. Likewise, women are posting pictures and videos of sparkling clean bathrooms and organized closets. The insinuation, of course, is that their partners were rewarded with sex for their “good behavior.”

Is this a genius game of give-and-take or a dangerous way to ruin intimacy once and for all?

If you’re feeling tempted to partake in a little choreplay, keep reading:

What’s the Harm?

You want the laundry done and the kitchen cleaned. He wants a little (or big) roll in the hay. Surely, you can find a way to make each other happy, right?

I spoke with Lexi Inks, an ABS-certified sexologist and a sex and relationship coach, to get the answer. “Many couples get into this kind of pattern, and it can impact [their relationship] more than they might think, long term,” she says.

Bartering chores or other things for sex, even in a loving, committed relationship — although common — is harmful to any relationship. “If a partner begins using something like sex, a powerful tool with the ability to build connection, pleasure, intimacy, and excitement, as a form of ‘currency,’ it creates a transactional dynamic,” says Inks. Chances are, “You’re both going to feel like you’re completing a chore when all is said and done.”

The long-term dangers of this sexual dynamic are real. Inks explains that it “creates confusion and often leads to resentment and miscommunication. If it becomes something you reluctantly offer in order to take other ‘chores’ off your plate, it’s unlikely that you’ll view it as an activity to look forward to long term.”

There Are (Fleeting) Benefits

Sure, if he cleans the bathroom and is rewarded with the intimacy he so desires, you might both go to sleep feeling satisfied. And yes, that may seem like a relationship win at first. However, as Inks notes, “It’s all based on instant gratification — and any happiness that results from it never truly lasts.”

Sex, when experienced by two individuals who authentically desire it, is a potent tool. It builds intimacy, releases endorphins, builds trust, and improves communication and self-esteem. You don’t want to interfere with those benefits by having sex when you don’t truly desire it. Inks says, “Treating sex with that kind of ‘I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine’ mentality won’t help either of you build a healthy, equitable, pleasurable sexual relationship.”

What’s a Couple to Do?

If you struggle with mismatched libidos or varying needs and expectations in the bedroom, you are not alone, Girlfriends. According to Inks, this is a very common relationship concern, “especially as you age or experience physical changes in your body.”

Before you jump on the choreplay trend, consider your options. There are other, healthier ways “to explore the idea of give-and-take in your sex life,” says Inks. Try “introducing light power play and allowing your partner to take a seductive and slightly dominant role in the bedroom.” It “doesn’t have to look like whips and chains a la Fifty Shades. It can be as simple as a sexy game of cat and mouse.”

Try to separate yourself and the act of sex from the expected outcome of orgasm. Play with emotional intimacy, physical touch and sensual massages. Take the pressure of mind-blowing orgasms off the table and see where exploration takes you. Watch a steamy movie, talk about fantasies that make you blush or buy a pair of foreplay dice and simply do as they say. If all else fails, “it never hurts to seek professional help,” advises Inks. “A qualified sex therapist or sex coach may be able to find personalized, effective solutions to ensure that both you and your partner feel satisfied by your sexual connection.”

The bottom line? Choreplay is great for a few laughs on social media, but you may be better off just saying no altogether when you aren’t in the mood.

Have you ever engaged in 'choreplay'? Would you want to? Let us know in the comments below.