What's 5 Times More Important Than Sex

It's the real key to long-term romance.

Published January 23, 2026

Illustration of two crossed wooden matchsticks with red match heads forming a heart shape on a blue background

Kiersten Essenpreis

My husband and I celebrated our first Valentine’s Day together over 30 years ago. There was champagne, chocolates, flowers, lingerie … let’s just say it was a very romantic evening.

Back then, I imagined our physical attraction and passion would never wane, and that the spark between us would keep us close. But what I have come to realize is that while romantic chemistry is great, it isn’t necessarily the most important part of staying connected.

Sometimes, what you need more than someone who can make you happy in the bedroom is someone who can make you laugh in any room.

“Sharing a laugh has a certain intimacy,” explains Dr. Gail Saltz, Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital, Weill-Cornell Medical College. “Inside jokes or funny memories that only the two of you share create connection.”

Laughter is Sexy

“Laughter is associated with the release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone that is also released during sex, cuddling and breastfeeding, deepening attachment,” explains Dr. Deborah Vinall, PsyD, LMFT, and Chief Psychological Officer with Recovered. “Humor is one form of a bid for affection, and laughter is the response that closes the loop of connection.”

Interestingly, women and men generally view humor slightly differently. Vinall explains, “Studies show women value a man’s ability to make them laugh more highly than the reverse, while men value being perceived as funny.”

Being able to make someone laugh can actually be more enticing than making them pleased in the sheets. “Studies show humor is five times more important than sex in creating a sense of intimacy in a relationship, “says Vinall. “Laughing together and being able to find the light side of challenging circumstances creates a sense of togetherness, attraction and resilience. It fosters emotional bonding through shared experience and warm mutuality.”

Humor and Attraction

While physical appearance can fuel an attraction between partners, so can discovering you share a similar sense of humor. “Knowing that you laugh at the same things builds closeness,” says Saltz.

A compatible sense of humor builds trust between couples. “There may be things you would say or laugh about only with your partner,” explains Saltz. “You can be good, bad, and ugly with one another. You might find humor in something gossipy or not PC that you publicly laugh about, but you trust your partner not to judge you.”

That trust extends to being able to laugh at yourself alongside you partner. “When you have the confidence to laugh at your own foibles without overwhelming shame or embarrassment, you can remain grounded in the moment and maintain awareness of and connection with those around you,” explains Vinall. “You are less likely to blow mistakes out of proportion and may find it easier to give grace to your partner when they mess up, too.

It Takes Two

For laughter to be connecting between couples, both parties need to be in on the joke. Viall explains, “When a partner doesn’t ‘get’ the other’s humor, the partner may feel unseen and unappreciated. This could be experienced as coldness, indifference, or hostility. Worse, failing to understand a partner’s sense of humor can lead to hurt feelings.”

As bonding as sharing a laugh can be, humor can create distance if it is used as an excuse to be mean or as a put down of your partner. “Humor should be shared, never a weapon at the expense of one to make the other look witty or clever through contrast,“ says Vinall.

Laughter as a Stress Reliever

Marriage, work, kids, household chores — there is a lot to be stressed about. Comedy is a stress reliever. “Many couples use lighthearted humor to reduce tension or to lift each other up in tough situations,” says Saltz. “Humor, when used correctly, can lighten the mood when times are stressful.”

Laughter can be an effective tool in getting through the daily irritations of a shared life. Vinall explains, “When couples make light of small frictions rather than amplifying them, they return to homeostasis quickly and without hurt feelings. A sense of humor externalizes rather than personalizes problems, allowing the bond between the couple to grow and remain strong rather than allow frustrations to push them apart.”

A sense of humor can also help people get through tough stuff too. Finding some comic relief, even if a dark situation can be therapeutic (again, when both parties are able to see the humor and laugh together).

Can I Tickle Your Funny Bone?

Finding things mutually funny connects people. “Inside jokes and shared laughter create a sense of ‘us’ within couples, a private dialect and storyline that is all their own,” says Vinall.

Shared humor can be found in watching sitcoms or funny movies together, attending stand-up comedy shows, or even in people-watching and making funny observations together. “When unusual or absurd mishaps occur around you, look for the humor in the situation and recount it to your partner,” suggests Vinall. “Stay lighthearted and steer away from joking that uses others as punchlines. Be ready to laugh at your own quirks and foibles.”

Being playful and silly with your partner is a great way to deepen a long-term relationship.

Recently, my husband and I have gotten into the habit of using technology to stay connected when we are not together (and even sometimes when we are side by side on the couch). No, we aren’t sexting each other — there is nothing salacious or risqué in our daily exchanges. Instead, what we do is send each other memes or reels that we think the other will find amusing. This type of back-and-forth has been dubbed “pebbling,” like how penguins bring pebbles back to their loved ones. And while it may not be as classically romantic as flowers and chocolates, these shared laughs do help to keep the spark between us still flickering after all these years.

Randi Mazzella is a freelance writer and journalist. Her work has appeared in numerous online and print publications The Washington Post, Next Avenue, Your Teen for Parents, SheKnows and New Jersey Family. She writes about a wide range of topics including parenting, mental health, wellness, pop-culture, teens, finance and midlife issues. She is a wife and mother of three children who inspire her every day. To read more of her work, go to randimazzella.com.