Twenty years into our marriage, my husband and I had our first public argument. We’d just landed at an airport, to visit my mother, and disagreed about whether to take the escalator or elevator. I was surprised and embarrassed that we’d turned into one of those couples — bickering over nothing.
Bickering isn’t about what’s truly bothering you. Beneath the surface, spats concern more than how your partner drives, leaves dirty dishes in the sink or forgets to bring home groceries. Small disagreements are often caused by stress, feeling time crunched, and fatigue. Bickering is rooted in our hesitation to share the real underlying issue with our partner.
Years later, most of us can’t remember what set us off — or even recall the outburst. It could have been triggered by the legendary toothpaste cap, who’s monopolizing the TV remote or how much money to spend on a minor purchase.
Bickering can become habitual, but you can control and even eliminate it. Most of the time what’s going on is a lack of communication.
Why do couples bicker?
“Couples fight about nothing,” claim John and Julie Gottman, clinical psychologists and leading marriage researchers who created the Gottman Method of couples counseling. The longer you live with another person, the more you’ll find yourself arguing, including over trivial matters.
“People are annoying,” says clinical psychologist Kathy McMahon, president of Couples Therapy Inc. and a certified Gottman therapist. “Yet we expect them not to be annoying. As we age and our marriages grow older, most of us grow impatient with our partner in certain ways.“
Bickering has to do with underlying aggravation with each other that you haven’t figured out how to resolve. “Little irritating things can build up a wall between you,” McMahon notes.
All you did was criticize the way your husband was driving, and he reacted defensively. It escalates from there and accumulates. McMahon likens this to the pipe below a house that extends from the septic tank to the sewer. “If you have a way of complaining effectively, it’s like flushing the toilet. Otherwise, your complaints will build up, back up, and any little thing between you will end up flooding.”
Women make 80 percent of the complaints in a marriage, and a whopping 69 percent of the differences between couples are perpetual. Bad habits tend to stick with us as we age. “Learn to live with them like with a trick knee,” McMahon advises, suggesting you and your partner approach these issues with a soft manner and a sense of humor.