Falling in love? Easy. Staying in love with the same person who chews loudly, snores while you’re trying to fall asleep, and has a habit of leaving his dirty socks mere feet away from the hamper? More difficult.
Numerous studies have found that the quality of a marriage declines over time — and this doesn’t bear well for our overall happiness: A study published in the Journal of Happiness Studies finds that the well-being benefits of marriage are greatest immediately after marriage when you’re in the honeymoon stage.
So, we spoke with therapists about how to keep that spark going in your marriage. At the very least, do it for your own well-being.
Embrace your partner’s faults
The honeymoon phase is technically called the “limerence” stage, as it’s part of the first stage of love, says Michele Waldron, a licensed psychologist and certified couples and sex therapist. The term was first coined in 1979, and it’s characterized by intense pleasurable physical sensations.
“Some describe it as feeling almost addicted to the person,” Waldron says. “Being with them causes significant emotional and sensual pleasure.” This phase can last a few months or a few years, and those in it tend to see the other’s best sides (both people usually present the best sides of themselves as well). The phase ends when the rose-colored glasses come off, and you start to see faults in your partner, which may lead to conflict. This is normal, Waldron says. Remaining in the honeymoon phase isn’t normal, since it’s superficial. For a relationship to progress, it needs to deepen, and that means getting to know your partner — which includes getting to know their faults.
“To keep the feelings going, it is important to embrace the other for all of who they are, and to find ways to stay adventurous together,” she says.
Show appreciation
We tend to take each other for granted the longer we’re in a relationship. For example, at the beginning, you may have gushed every time he made you dinner. Now, you complain because he uses too much butter when he cooks. Gratitude is one of the major things that falls to the sideline when couples are in long-term relationships, says Laura Doyle, an author and a relationship coach. “How often do you tell your spouse thank-you?” Doyle asked. It can be for anything, from doing the dishes to picking up his socks on the way to bed. “Sure, these are things that he should naturally be doing, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t, nor can’t, appreciate it,” Doyle says.
Make time for each other