The 2 Main Things I Learned From My Divorce

My divorce has been the most eye-opening experience of my life.

By
Published May 02, 2025
illustration of divorced couple in broken home scene
Marta Monteiro

It’s been eight years since my ex-husband and I went our separate ways. We came to the decision to divorce together. We split on good terms and are still friends, even now that the kids are grown and have moved out.

Of course, I was upset about it. It was a huge, scary life change, but deep down, I knew it was for the best.

However, back then, if someone told me it would teach me more about myself than any other life experience, I wouldn’t have believed them. But it really has. And to be honest, it’s hard to admit these lessons to myself. There were two of us in that marriage, though, and I made a lot of mistakes. The biggest one being:

1. You need to be flexible in a relationship.

I can be selfish with my time and how I spend it. If there’s something I don’t want to do, I won’t do it, especially if it’s something new that doesn’t appeal to me. My ex was a lot more adventurous than I was, and I know I held him back. He wanted to travel more, go to concerts, and have more special date nights. I was so focused on the kids and running our home that I wasn’t willing to bend my routine much. But when it came to doing certain things that I wanted to do, like staying in a hotel versus going camping or doing projects on the house, I wanted him to do what I wanted.

Not being flexible cost me, but I never stopped asking myself why I was so set in my ways. That wasn’t fair of me. And it wasn’t until we weren’t together for a few years, and I dated a few other men that I realized how inflexible I really was. I was so set in my ways that I couldn’t see anyone else’s side.

While I was married, I was too immature to see how much this affected our relationship. I didn’t understand why my ex wasn’t more like me because, of course, I thought my way was better.

I’ve realized since my divorce that if I want a healthy, satisfying relationship, I need to be flexible. Plans change and everyone has different things that make them happy. Being in a relationship is about melding two lives together, not trying to get someone to think like you do. You can be compatible without agreeing on everything. Also, there’s so much fun in trying new things and opening yourself up.

2. Holding grudges helps no one.

I held grudges for so long, and I’m embarrassed to say just how long. My ex-husband did a few things during our marriage that I held over his head. I’m talking years. I’d bring them up every time we got into an argument, or I was angry. It kept us from moving past the problems and actually working them out because I kept throwing his mistakes back in his face. This damaged our relationship beyond repair.

No one is perfect, myself included, and he never held things over my head. He never brought up mistakes of the past. He was always trying to move forward and let things go. Looking back, I was so afraid that if I forgave him and moved on, it would mean he’d just keep doing the same things over again. Because forgiving him and forgetting would make him think there’d be no consequences, and he’d keep hurting me.

This was something I made up in my head, not something he did. I was acting out of fear, trying to protect myself. And instead of telling him why I was afraid to let things go, I just kept digging up the past. Once I stopped doing this (it took years of practice), I was so much happier.

These two things are hard for me to admit — like really hard. It’s taken me almost an entire decade to fully accept responsibility for them and realize that I’d like to work on these things and change. It’s not about being perfect but about being self-aware and wanting to improve my weaknesses. My divorce has been the most eye-opening experience of my life, and if I can’t learn from it, I feel like that would be really unfortunate.

So, while I can’t go back and have a do-over, I can bring a better version of myself into my next relationship. Sadly, it took a divorce to get me to look in the mirror, but it’s the truth. All I can do is learn and hope some good comes out of a not-so-good situation.

Have any of you been divorced? What did you learn from the experience? Let us know in the comments below.

Katie Bingham-Smith is a longtime lifestyle, health, relationships, and parenting writer who’s spent the past seven years connecting with readers through her work at Scary Mommy. A regular contributor to AARP The Girlfriend Letter and Grown & Flown, she holds a BA in English Literature with a minor in creative writing from Green Mountain College. Her writing has appeared in multiple anthologies, Woman’s World, and Bangor Metro Magazine, and she’s currently finishing her first romance novel. Katie lives in Maine with her three kids, two ducks, and a Goldendoodle—and when she’s not writing, she’s reading, at the gym, redecorating, or doing a little too much online shopping.