Last winter, I had lunch with two longtime friends, one 50-something and one 90. It was one of those gray days between Thanksgiving and Christmas when everything feels both glittery and grim. The three of us tucked into salads, sat for hours and chatted. Our conversation could have been sad: My 50-something friend recently lost her father to cancer. Our 90-year-old friend, Barbara, lost two daughters to cancer. I, too, lost my father to cancer, so I understood how our middle-aged friend felt.
But I could not completely understand how Barbara was managing, though I knew that she was.
Her older daughter, Liz, had been a dear friend. She was beautiful and brilliant, a kind and funny writer who passed away in 2018 at age 53 from colon cancer, a few months after her older son’s college graduation and two weeks after her younger sister Nancy’s wedding. Then Nancy was diagnosed with cancer and passed away in 2022.
After Liz and Nancy’s deaths, Barbara and I kept in sporadic touch. I knew she continued to be a devoted grandmother and parent to her son, daughter-in-law, two sons-in-law and four grandchildren. I was grateful we could meet for lunch and discuss our families, friends and hopes.
How was she okay, I wondered? I thought about the people in my life who had survived life-changing events. I knew an extensive support network of friends and family, combined with daily soothing rituals (exercise, meditation, knitting, etc.) helped make people resilient. But there were other factors, too.
I decided to interview people who seemed particularly resilient — all of whom had survived the unexpected loss of people they had lived with and loved. I also checked in with two therapists, both cancer survivors.
I did some research, and it appears that the word “resilience” comes from the Latin verb resilire, meaning “to jump back” or “to recoil." Today, resilience is understood as the ability to withstand or recover from difficult conditions, both physically and emotionally.
Hillary Albert, 63, is a therapist who specializes in grief, anxiety and addiction. “An important aspect of resilience is being able to make room for uncomfortable emotions instead of struggling against them through the use of unhelpful actions — drinking, blaming others,” she says. “Also, being able to provide yourself with compassion during tough times is essential. Many of us judge or criticize ourselves for feeling how we feel, and that piling on is never helpful nor does it foster resilience.”
Albert, an ovarian cancer survivor, says she tries to practice what she preaches: “During tough times, I try to remind myself that I don't have to believe everything I think. I am an optimist, so I remind myself of all I have to be grateful for and how whatever is going on could be worse. Sometimes, a good cry alone is helpful, too.”
I also spoke to Judith Rabinor, a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, co-parenting after divorce and healing the mother-daughter relationship. Rabinor, 82, is divorced and remarried; she’s also a breast cancer survivor who nursed her mother through Parkinson’s. “There are so many different strategies that work for different people,” says Rabinor.
“I’m a relationship person and I gain strength, grit, confidence and compassion from being close to others — from loving and feeling loved — and also from playing pickleball! Whereas my husband gains grit and strength and confidence from playing the piano.” Harnessing creativity can also contribute to resilience: After her breast cancer diagnosis, Rabinor went on to publish her third book, and her first play is being produced.
A few weeks after our lunch, Barbara and I video-chatted. “What has contributed to your resilience?” I asked. "As soon as Liz was diagnosed, I found a therapist,” she explained. "I didn’t want to burden my family because they were suffering as well.” Barbara went to her rabbi, who put her in touch with a psychologist who matches clients with therapists."