I’m a recovering perfectionist, and learning to let go of high expectations has been a game-changing self-care tip in my life. Less stress, less judgment and a whole lot of grace. But letting go didn’t come easily for me; I come from a long line of perfectionists — a trait passed down through generations like a coveted family recipe. I had a mother who ironed bedsheets weekly until they were crisp enough to bounce a quarter off when she stretched them over the mattress.
My father, a banker and realtor, was a perfectionist when it came to investments and crunching numbers.
Appearances were also a priority in my family; there was never a hair out of place, no missing buttons, no stains on clothing and shoes gleamed with fresh polish. Anything less was unacceptable and meant starting over. Following my parents’ perfectionist patterns, I absorbed their rituals, believing that nothing — including myself — was ever good enough until it was flawless. In our house, failure was not an option.
“When parents set unattainable expectations and overvalue accomplishments, their children tend to internalize the messaging, which underpins these rigid standards,” according to research from the London School of Economics and Political Science. “They define themselves in relation to their achievements and tie their self-worth to how they perform in school, how they look and how they measure in relation to other socially prescribed benchmarks of success.”
Unfortunately, these high standards set by parents put debilitating pressure on children seeking perfection, leaving them wrestling with their self-worth whenever they fall short of family expectations.