The 2 Words We Need To Stop Saying When It Comes To This......

What I've said that is so very far from the truth.

By
Published January 15, 2025
illustration of woman breaking a speech bubble with another speech bubble
Michelle Pereira

How many times a day have you answered, "I'm fine," when someone asks how you are — even when you aren't fine?

Why has society convinced us that it's not okay NOT to be okay?

According to a 2021 study from the National Institute of Mental Health, a staggering 21 million adults in the U.S. have experienced at least one major depressive episode, with a higher prevalence among females (10.3 percent) than males (6.3 percent). A survey from the National Library of Medicine revealed that 30.7 percent of respondents believed that depression stems from a weak personality. Only a little more than half (58.9 percent) believed pharmacotherapy is effective in treating the disease.

Although there has been a significant decrease in the stigma surrounding depression, we still have a long way to go.

I grew up in a time when mental illness was rarely acknowledged for fear of being shamed and isolated. As the youngest of four children, I learned early on not to draw attention to myself by crying or complaining. My parents, like many from their generation, viewed depression as a weakness in character that signified insecurity and self-pity. If my siblings or I were upset, we were told to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and move on. The few times I did complain, I was accused of being self-centered or overly sensitive.

For this reason, I kept my emotions in check to avoid being told how I should feel. This led to years of saying, "I'm fine," when nothing was further from the truth. I suffered from anxiety and depression throughout my adolescence — it was the dark secret I kept to myself under a cheerful facade so no one would suspect the truth.

Pretending to be someone I wasn't for so long was exhausting. No matter how down or discouraged I felt, if I was asked the dreaded question about how I was doing, I responded the way I'd been taught: "I'm fine."

The lie rolled off my tongue automatically like a daily mantra for survival. I thought if I kept telling myself I was fine, then maybe I would be.

"There are many problems with the phrase, I'm fine," says Dr. Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist. "We are trained to believe it's the polite thing to say, but the phrase conveys very little information and is usually meaningless. Sadly, it is often untrue.”

“While I understand that it's perhaps an attempt to convince ourselves that we are okay, it just doesn't work," she adds. "In fact, it adds to depression because we are further burdened by carrying a secret and feeling misunderstood. I'd love to see the phrase 'I'm fine' phased out of our conversation."

Therapy would have helped me, but I couldn't risk the vulnerability of exposing my emotions to a stranger. At the time, there were still stigmas associated with depression, and the last thing I wanted was to be labeled with a disorder. Instead, I perfected a safe persona, learning to fit my emotional edges into the round holes on the cultural board of expectation.

Once I married and started a family, I thought I'd "outgrown" my depression, believing it was merely an adolescent phase. I later discovered that clinical depression doesn't work that way. It was always there, hovering on the fringes while my children grew up. I kept lying to myself and others.

I’d say, “I’m fine,” because I couldn’t accept the truth that I wasn’t. After all, I had everything I needed — a loving family, a nice home and a decent job — why should I feel sorry for myself?

The onset of menopause only intensified my depression, with rapid mood swings wreaking havoc on me and my family.

A crippling panic attack while driving home one day was the wake-up call I needed. It was time to let go of the lie. I wasn't fine and wouldn't be until I could be honest with myself and seek professional help. This was the beginning of a journey toward healing and self-acceptance.

Finally, pushing past fear and the antiquated stigma of depression, I was able to get the help I needed. After counseling and antidepressants, my quality of life improved. Of course, there are still challenging days, but I understand now that it's okay to have these feelings. I don't always have to appear strong.

Being genuine about my mental state lifts the burden of hiding what are NORMAL emotions when I'm not fine. Naturally, if the cashier at the grocery store asks how I'm doing, she's not expecting the details of my life, but I also won't lie with the patterned response of being "fine."

If I'm feeling down, I'll say things like, "I'm hanging in there," or "Not so great, but I'll be okay."

Surprisingly, the responses I've received have been considerate and kind. A little relatability and compassion go a long way in creating a connection with others.

"Responding in an honest and meaningful manner by saying something like, ‘It's a good day so far,’ or ‘It's not a good day,’ opens the door for people to get more comfortable identifying and expressing their true feelings," says Dr. Greenberg. "We certainly don't need to discuss our problems with someone we barely know, but we also don't need to say we're fine when that isn't the case. In closer relationships, it is necessary to gradually get comfortable saying how we truly feel. Language is intended to express feelings.”

Open communication about our emotions is not just important, it's vital for maintaining healthy relationships. But it's a two-way street. If someone admits they're not feeling fine, we need to let them know we're there for them and that they can be transparent without facing judgment.

Being a good listener and offering support is crucial to the foundation of any friendship. It's these honest conversations that connect us and make us feel understood. It takes courage to admit we're depressed or anxious, and we should never expect to feel fine all the time — false facades of cheerfulness 24/7 only fuel feelings of isolation.

The best way to begin communicating truthfully with others is to take time to process your emotions and permit yourself to feel them without guilt. Once you're ready to have honest conversations, a deeper bond of trust will form with the people you've chosen to confide in. I realize now that sharing our truths is empowering.

Perhaps, if more people were honest about their feelings instead of saying they're fine when they're not, we could eliminate mental health stigmas and open the door for much-needed conversations on understanding depression.

 

What do YOU think? Do you find it difficult to be honest about your feelings? Let us know in the comments below.

Marcia Kester Doyle is a Yahoo Life Columnist and the author of Who Stole My Spandex? Life In The Hot Flash Lane. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, The Independent, Stylist, U.S.A. Today/Reviewed, Cosmopolitan, Good Housekeeping, AARP, Woman's Day, Country Living, House Beautiful, and many others. You can find her at marciakesterdoyle.com.